The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i think i just lost a toe
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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