I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
