I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
