someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
