Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
