we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
