I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
