Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
