god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize