I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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