Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
