I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
