i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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