you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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