you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
