Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
