I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
