Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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