Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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