i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am midnight drunk by noon
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
