the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
