I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
