I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i think my cat just said my name.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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