the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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