Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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