he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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