after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
