he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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