Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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