Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
