I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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