New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
