You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
