i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
