you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Did I show you my penis last night?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
