I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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