Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
