Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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