well you can't waste a boner
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Use "feeling words"
Yay
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
