I wish I only lived at night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
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Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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