Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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