I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
