Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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