I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
