things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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