God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
