After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
