Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
