I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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