You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
