i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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