So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
