cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
