So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
