Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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